That one girl that's excited.

That one girl that's excited. 

I'm so stoaked about tomorrow!!!!!!!! Seniors have to do this jobshadowing thing tomorrow, and I am job shadowing a guy that works in cold cases. He called me earlier today, and told me I might wanna wear casual clothes. Why? Because we are going to go through some woods to find dead bodies!!!!! I am so freaking excited. I hope we find them. Afterwards, Spyro is coming over! As of this past Saturday we are officially together. I got rid of my douchebag boyfiend. I unleashed my rant to him and told him all of that was on my mind. It's best this way. I couldn't possibly ask for any one better. He is the most caring and loving guy. Not only that, he's my bestfriend. I love him. Well, I'll update and let you know if I find some dead people tomorrow! Wish me luck!

That One Girl having an odd day.

That One Girl having an odd day. 

Spyro: I'd prefer you not read this. 

I'm sure you the readers may already be able to tell that I'm having an odd day considering the note above. My best friend knows about my blog, but for the time being we are not speaking.  Why? Well, not entirely sure. Um... we are in love, and I'm dating his best friend. My boyfriend Derick asked if I was cheating on him last night when I spent an hour with him for the 1st time in weeks. He got hurt really bad at his work, so I wanted to make him feel a little better, bring him something to eat (but he wasn't feeling good), and just cuddle. Pretend like everything is okay. 

Needless to say, yesterday sucked. Today is sucking even more. Just got back from lunch. How did I spend it? Alone, crying under a tree, and eating. Stupid me picked up my phone to call Spyro, but we didn't talk. Fought with, uhh a friend. He wanted to be there for me, see what was wrong, and I was a bitch to him. Just acted like I wanted him to get away before he could even talk to me, and now he's mad, with reason to be. I didn't mean to. It just happened and then I felt like death.

I just feel like the worst person in the world right now. Like everything is falling apart. I just keep hurting people.

I really miss Spyro. Everything has just felt off lately. We have good days, but it keeps going bad. I know this is my fault. My mess. I just.... need more time. Or a time machine. Or a coffin. 

That one girl that realized its time to grow up.

That one girl that realized its time to grow up. 

This past weekend I had an abundance of amazing thoughts and ideas. Most of  which, I have forgotten. I did, how ever, remember that something deep within me clicked. It's time to grow up. Now, I have always been a little bit more mature than kids my own age, most of my friends throughout my life have even been older than I. I have always learned on my own. Did things for myself that I was able to do.

It's time for me to put the games to rest, take more responsibility, and become a better me.  First off, I am absolutely done with love triangles. I am ready to settle down, and just focus on one relationship. Am I saying I want to get married tomorrow or anything? No, but I just want stability. Something I know that will last a long time, if not forever. No secrets, or lies, or trust issues, or tears. 

Secondly, I need a job. I just got my 1st car, a month left of high school, college starting soon. To make it better, my aunt is moving out and it'll just be me and my grandmother. She barely makes enough to take care of herself. I want to be able to help her, she has pretty much raised me after all. I want to feel  more independent, and not have to ask for everything I need and then feel bad for needing anything. 

My life feels like its truly only staring to begin, and I am really excited as to where it goes, and where I will end up. As for now, I'm just trying to make it, and push myself.

That one girl that can't build a real friendship.

That one girl that can't build a real friendship. 

My entire life I have been a loner. Its hard for me to build friendships. Mostly with females. My bestfriends are always guys, and that's not a bad thing. It's just, guys don't always understand the female brain. Thankfully, I fit in better with guys, but I still want at least one friendship with a girl that lasts. Anytime I trust a girl they either: A.) Show me I can not trust them. B.) Find someone better and just forget me. C.) We just drift apart. Part of my problem is that I am bisexual, I have known this for as long as I have liked boys. I have trouble talking to girls. I'm awkward enough as it is. They just always never seem to click with me, and the couple I found that do just end up out of my life somehow. I just want one girl I can laugh with, do girly stuff with, gossip with, just someone I can be close with. I feel like I'll never have this. I want to become a more open person, more talkative, and less shy. A lot of times I just find myself without words. I'm so tired of hearing about how quite I am. 

That One Girl That Is Pissed Off At The World

That One Girl That Is Pissed Off At The World

I am, in fact, that one girl that is pissed off at the world. Not understanding people's reasons for being angry, pissed, changing there minds for not good reason. Ugh. Everything just feels to be falling apart. Everyone acts like its criminal to do anything for anyone else. No reason for actions, just doing something to piss someone off. This world is full of dumb fucking idiots, I swear dude. What pisses you off about this world? For me it's basically people in general. Yes, is my indirect way of ranting about happenings at home, but I would rather say it like this than bash people and say things that are probably just out of anger. 

I need something to take my anger and stress out on. I suppose writing helps a little bit. 

That one girl that is about to go mad.

That one girl that is about to go mad. 

Yup, it's true. I'm like two steps from completely going mad. Stress! Stress! Stress! My family is just one big corrupt mess, my "boyfriend" (because he doesn't feel like one anymore) is a worthless piece-of-shit that is probably cheating on me, I need a drink. Okay, I that really doesn't help me, but marijuana sounds like something I shouldn't be putting here. Whoops.(makes innocent face). I don't really know where I am going with this. I told you I am going completely fucking mad. Had nightmares last night, but sadly it is exactly my reality. Was basically just Derick not talking to me. Lovely dream. Ugh. I don't want this life anymore. Someone trade me. 

I do get to see Spyro today. He loves me at least. Can't wait for some Mongolian dinner, redbox, anime, sims 3. Yeah, so cool. You jelly, bro?! =p

That One Girl Who Really Can't Stand Her Aunt.

That One Girl Who Really Can't Stand Her Aunt. 

Yeah, I really can not stand my aunt (mmmm what should I name this aunt...) Mortilla. Well, this morning Mortilla had to take me to school. She told me to be ready by 7. I walk out the door 4 after 7 and well that is where all hell broke loose. I did not realize she had walked out of the door. She got in a bad mood because its all of a sudden my fault if she is late for work. So, I say "You could just tap on my door or something so I know you're leaving". Apparently she shouldn't have to. I should be out that door and in the car at EXACTLY 7  o'clock. Okay, that is fine and cool, but is it really that difficult to tap on my door in stead of being late for work? I really deserve getting bitched and that super negative attitude of yours because your too fucking stupid to knock on my door. I was ready a few minutes before 7 anyways I just don't watch the clock every second that passes. So I get threatened to have to walk to school. And taken to school before my cousin for the 1st time ever. Because your mad for the dumbest shit. Guess what?! You could simply fix the problem. A little "Hey, we're leaving" does just find. But you care more about being a fucking bitch and screwing up everyone's morning instead of getting everyone where they need to go on time and not be late for work. Yeah, okay. Genus. 

Your a dumb stupid fucking idiot that gets mad at every little fucking thing! I can't stand you anymore. I hate how you don't give two fucks about me any more. Its all about your spoiled ass son that disrespects everyone he comes in contact with. You are cold and heartless. You act like the world is going to end if you have to do the smallest thing for anyone other than your precious son. Fuck you.

I'm that one girl that changes her mind.

I'm that one girl that changes her mind. 

So, here it is Sunday, and I'm miserable. Spyro was suppose to come over today, and didn't because I told him not to. Then, I changed my mind and wanted him to, but it was too late. He made plans with another girl. Yes, I am mad at him. I know I have absolutely no right to be. It is clearly my fault. Still, the anger is there. I don't mind him having other female friends, but it does sorta bother me. He's my Spyro. I'm protective of him.

Other than that my weekend was alrightish. went to my aunt Duckies (best nickname I can come up with right now.) and spent time with her hubby. Stayed baked for two days (yeah, that's what I do for depression,  I'd rather do that than any thing else) and we played some zombies and watched some tv shows and movies.

 I woke up Saturday though and realized it was Derick's birthday. I wanted to go home and be with him, but guess what, I haven't heard from him since Friday. Found out he went to his parents and I knew nothing about it. Didn't find out from him. Last year I made it very special and this year I don't even get to talk to him. I guess that should show me something. He did have the time to get on facebook and is constantly commenting on Spyro's stuff, but never nothing to me. This is really bringing me down. I have a terribly unhealthy relationship. 

Well, I ordered some amazing pizza to keep me company on this horrid Sunday and about to chill with some anime or a video game. Enjoy! 

I'm that one girl with everything on my mind.

Well, the other day was pretty cool. I paid for dinner at a Mexican restaurant (Spyro said that's his favorite) and it was horrible. I'll never go there again. But other than that everything was ok, mostly, till he left. Then I was sad. We kissed a lot. Time just seems to fly with him. I need more of it. But now he really really wants me to choose. I do want him, I am happy with him, everything is perfect. I just am having trouble letting go of that silly thing called love. Hell, I even went to my grandmother for advice! That has happened like maybe one more time. I'm pretty sure it was about Spyro the 1st time also, but more pleasant. *sigh* I wish sometimes that Derick would just go *poof!* from existence. But if it wasn't him it would've been someone else I suppose.

P.S. Totally listening to Stacy's Mom *laughs* ^_^ yup, I'm cool.
P.S.S. I love you Spyro. I promise you forever.

I'm that one girl that loves Starbucks!

 I'm that one girl that loves Starbucks!

Today, I am so hyper! I went to bed in a good mood, woke up in a good mood, and best of all I had breakfast and venti mocha frappe from Starbucks!!! So, I'm hyper. I'm so stoaked about today. I get to see my Spyro!!!!!!!!! I cant wait! The time just cant go fast enough! I miss him. We are going to decorate my new room (yeah, I had an awful weekend; we moved from a decent house to a tiny apartment), play some COD: Black Ops and Sims3, yeah, we're cool. But according to him we need to talk. This means he wants me to be his and needs me to decide which really means be with him, no exceptions *lol*. OMG OMG OMG I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! =D ta-ta-for-now!!!!

raandom doodle during class. It says "We can live like jack and sally if we want, where you can always find me, we'll have halloween on christmas..."

another doodle. I promise I can draw better than this lol =D

I'm the one girl that can't decide.

I'm the one girl that can't decide. 

I keep crying over Derick. I need to leave. If not to be with the one that holds my heart, then for my own mental health. I do love him. There is so much history and unspoken perfection there, but honestly I can't find the perfection we once had. He's completely shut me out. I can't deal with that in a healthy manor.

 My best friend is in love with me and hurting. I need him. Probably more than I need Derick. The more I talk to Spyro the more I hurt. The more confused I become. I can't keep holding on to both.

 I want Derick in my life. I wanted at one point to spend forever with him, but forever is looking like such a long miserable time. The only time I feel pure happiness is when I'm with Spyro. I need this chaos to end. The answers are so clear, yet so undefined. It's getting to where I don't even know what Spyro wants. He probably wants the chaos to end as much as I. I'm afraid of forever ruining the once perfection of a relationship I had with him.

 I can't keep fighting for two guys. I know I'm wrong. I know. How could any one want such a fucked up in the head girl? I know I'm sweet, but I'm also crazy. And it's not all good crazy. I keep asking answers from Spyro, but so much of his feelings is being blocked by his own morals and what he feels is right.


UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm that one girl that has no idea who she is.

I'm that one girl that has no idea who she is. 

I feel crazy sometimes. Sometimes, I just loose myself, and all sense of self all together. I know I'm severely depressed. I can't think of a time in my life I wasn't. I'm a loner. At school I usually eat and walk alone. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. If I wasn't a pretty, thin girl that looked approachable I probably wouldn't have any friends. I don't know what I want to be, who I want to be. I don't believe in any higher power, but some times I find my self praying to whom ever may be listening. Even if its mind reading aliens. I can make up any random thing off the top of my head. I have no hobbies really. No talent. I almost feel like I don't/shouldn't exist. What is the point of being here when it seems like I have no purpose. Sometimes, I am hyper, silly, hilarious. Not many people see what I see as the real me. I don't get close to many people. 

I am a cheater. I am a lover. I am a hopeless romantic. I am the coolest girl you'll ever know. I am a killer (only in my graphic head tho). I am a girly girl. I am a goth. I am a gamer. I am a nerd. I am a book worm. I am a movie fanatic. I am a hater. I am a jealous person. I am a not caring person. I am so robot (sorry I had a Onision moment). I am a rocker. I am a suicidal maniac. I am the happiest person you'll ever meet. I am me. Whoever me is. 

That one girl with the best-friend.

That one girl with the best-friend. 

The title is a little misleading in this one. This will be the first of many (most likely) about my best-friend Spyro. For starters, this guy has helped me through so much. I tell him everything. I love him more than he will ever know. He is always there for me. So so caring and sweet. We have this crazy connection. I can talk and talk to him for hours about nothing and not get bored or run out of things to say. He was/is also Derick's best-friend. The story gets weirder. Remember that 7 months I told you about? Well, Spyro helped me through that. At the same time I was holding his sanity together while he dated the biggest stuck up piece of shit bitch in the world. We talked so much, played LOTS and LOTS of zombies on Black Ops. We just clicked. Every now and then there was mild flirting nothing that ever went close to anywhere until right before me and Derick got back together.

We fell in love. Faster than I've ever fallen to be honest. He's my best friend. I'd do anything in the world for him.

So, where are we now? Well. I'm cheating on Derick with Spyro. When we fight I go to him and I look to him for support. Three times now we've hung out since. Each time it was just kissing and holding. Last night I was just perfection. First, we went to a movie. Act of Valor or something like that. We were the only people in there. And let me just say an empty theater is ridiculously fun! We were laughing and goofing off, throwing pop corn, being loud, making fun of a movie so not meant to be laughed at. We also spiked the drink we were sharing. Fun Fun. Well, I moved to his lap, I seriously can not help myself around him. He's like the most amazing drug I've ever been hooked on. His kisses make my heart skip every-time. His laugh, his touch, his gorgeous blue eyes, ok you get the point, the boy is absolute perfection in my eyes.
He took me home and I didn't want to leave his side (like always). We kept kissing and well for the first time since his birthday (which one day if I'm in the mood I'll explain) we made love. I can't call sex with him just sex or fucking. He asked if I was sure and I wasn't but I let my want of it take over. His heart was racing. Just the fact alone I can do that before anything even starts makes me feel.....I don't know exactly, it's a good weird feeling. He just held me afterwards, and all I could bare to think is "I love you".
I don't like this whole cheating thing. Especially when I'm cheating with someone I have declared the man I'm going to marry. You watch. I'll have my way. I know I'm hurting him. I'm selfish. I hurt him for my own satisfaction, even when its hurting me also. I need him. I need him like I need air.
I could go on and on, but I just looked up and seen how much I wrote. No one likes to read that much. So good-bye for now. 

I'm that one girl that cuts.

I'm that one girl that cuts. 

My cutting addiction started when I was in 7th grade. It was mild at first, but as time went on I progressively got worse. By my freshman year one cutting session, that's what I call it anyways, I would cut anywhere between 50 and 200 times. Later that year I quit "for good". Every once in a while something gets me so down that I do turn to cutting. I cut because it calms me. I can be crying and just loosing myself and when I start to cut I feel better. I can breath. My tears dry. Well, after the night in my last post, I cut. It wasn't as much of a reliever as it has been in the past, and I only cut 5 times. I guess there was my problem. Not enough blood loss. Kidding. Well only partially. I don't know if I can ever fully give up cutting. I do need better places to cut. Easy to hide. I cut on my arms this last time, but really high up so my sleeves will hide them. I'm not very open about my cutting, and attention makes me nauseous. I have to pull out of my depression. I have cried most of today just from stress. I can't even control it. Wanted a razor blade all day too.

I'm that one girl with the bad childhood.

I'm that one girl with the bad childhood. 

Pretty much my entire life I lived with my grandparents. Reason being, my mom was an alcoholic and couldn't take care of me, my dad fell off a roof working and couldn't even take care of himself. Living with my grandparents wasn't exactly a good life, but we managed. We lived in shitty apartments, "the projects" I guess some would call it. My grandparents were also alcoholics. I remember hearing them argue a lot. Countless nights where my grandmother would lock my grandfather outside and I would hear him beat on the door, with me just a few feet away. I would cry for my grandmother to let him in. There were some nights where I seen it turn physical. In my childhood I never seen my grandfather hit my grandmother, like my aunt, mother, and uncle, but I did see her beat on him. I remember getting in between them, screaming for her to stop, countless nights I cried for my mother, but she didn't want me. At least it's how my mind worked at around age 8. Well, long story short, I moved in with my mom when I was 9, moved back with my grandmother about a year ago(for reasons I'm sure I'll tell you eventually), she doesn't drink anymore and my grandfather is now passed away. The other night I went to ask her something and she was drinking with some man that she keeps talking to over the phone. She asked me if I wanted a drink. I never felt so let down by her. For some reason this affected me enormously. I cried and cried and cried. I needed Derick to be there for me. He wasn't. We fought all day because he didn't come see me. "Wanted a day to himself" when I haven't seen him all week. We continued to fight and he even turned his phone off when I needed him most. The next day I tried to talk to him and he replied with "last time I seen my grandmother she poured me a drink" and "that was a long time ago". I know I'm not always the most logical or sane person, but when your girlfriend is just completely upset you be there for her, especially emotionally, you agree with the non-sense and make her feel like she always has you. Jerk. 

That one girl that...

I'm that one girl that is in love with the guy that treats her horribly. 

I'm not fully sure where to start with this one. For my own reasons I will name him here Derick. Hummm.... Ok, first, my boyfriend is well, an ass. We started dating July 12, 2010. I met him a few years ago when we were younger and we kissed when he was with this girl he's dated off and on for 5 years, whom I will refer to here as T-Rex. Didn't really talk even tho we went to the same school untill we were about to date. It was amazing, as every relationship is at first.

We got engaged December 24, 2010. Had a silly fight new years, I took the ring off, set it on the dash of his car, forgot it, he put it in center console, car got broke into, ring stolen, he takes it as a "sign", and there is when it all started to crumble. That May we broke up.

 Two weeks later he went back to his ex, T-Rex. He told me he was coming back a couple months later when I stayed a weekend, then changed his mind and stayed with T-Rex. We did this whole back and forth crap for 7 long miserable months while he was with T-Rex. He came back crawling after I said enough. I started to really finally let my 1st true love go.

 Then BAM! there he was, like I always knew he was. Well, he's the complete stereo-type of a guy.Emotionless, can't open up, lets me down when he says he will do something, gets mad at the smallest of things, so not romantic. Well, recently I had planned on moving in. Yesterday he says we aren't ready. I have to figure out something fast now because I really have no idea what to do if I can't count on him. I need him to be there for me. He let me down and won't even have a real conversation about it with me. Last week all we did was fight, this week I haven't seen him, and now this. FML. 

Pilot

This is the beginning of something I've wanted to do for a while now. I want this to become something big for me. I'm totally anonymous here. But I will be totally open, honest, and real. This will become my space and you will come to know and love me for me without a name. I'm just that one girl. That one girl you never really notice. That one girl with the million secrets. That one girl who's quiet and shy. That one girl that parties. That one girl who's beautiful. That one girl that's depressed. That one girl that always smiles.  I'm just that one girl. And this is my blog.