I'm that one girl that cuts.

I'm that one girl that cuts. 

My cutting addiction started when I was in 7th grade. It was mild at first, but as time went on I progressively got worse. By my freshman year one cutting session, that's what I call it anyways, I would cut anywhere between 50 and 200 times. Later that year I quit "for good". Every once in a while something gets me so down that I do turn to cutting. I cut because it calms me. I can be crying and just loosing myself and when I start to cut I feel better. I can breath. My tears dry. Well, after the night in my last post, I cut. It wasn't as much of a reliever as it has been in the past, and I only cut 5 times. I guess there was my problem. Not enough blood loss. Kidding. Well only partially. I don't know if I can ever fully give up cutting. I do need better places to cut. Easy to hide. I cut on my arms this last time, but really high up so my sleeves will hide them. I'm not very open about my cutting, and attention makes me nauseous. I have to pull out of my depression. I have cried most of today just from stress. I can't even control it. Wanted a razor blade all day too.

I'm that one girl with the bad childhood.

I'm that one girl with the bad childhood. 

Pretty much my entire life I lived with my grandparents. Reason being, my mom was an alcoholic and couldn't take care of me, my dad fell off a roof working and couldn't even take care of himself. Living with my grandparents wasn't exactly a good life, but we managed. We lived in shitty apartments, "the projects" I guess some would call it. My grandparents were also alcoholics. I remember hearing them argue a lot. Countless nights where my grandmother would lock my grandfather outside and I would hear him beat on the door, with me just a few feet away. I would cry for my grandmother to let him in. There were some nights where I seen it turn physical. In my childhood I never seen my grandfather hit my grandmother, like my aunt, mother, and uncle, but I did see her beat on him. I remember getting in between them, screaming for her to stop, countless nights I cried for my mother, but she didn't want me. At least it's how my mind worked at around age 8. Well, long story short, I moved in with my mom when I was 9, moved back with my grandmother about a year ago(for reasons I'm sure I'll tell you eventually), she doesn't drink anymore and my grandfather is now passed away. The other night I went to ask her something and she was drinking with some man that she keeps talking to over the phone. She asked me if I wanted a drink. I never felt so let down by her. For some reason this affected me enormously. I cried and cried and cried. I needed Derick to be there for me. He wasn't. We fought all day because he didn't come see me. "Wanted a day to himself" when I haven't seen him all week. We continued to fight and he even turned his phone off when I needed him most. The next day I tried to talk to him and he replied with "last time I seen my grandmother she poured me a drink" and "that was a long time ago". I know I'm not always the most logical or sane person, but when your girlfriend is just completely upset you be there for her, especially emotionally, you agree with the non-sense and make her feel like she always has you. Jerk. 

That one girl that...

I'm that one girl that is in love with the guy that treats her horribly. 

I'm not fully sure where to start with this one. For my own reasons I will name him here Derick. Hummm.... Ok, first, my boyfriend is well, an ass. We started dating July 12, 2010. I met him a few years ago when we were younger and we kissed when he was with this girl he's dated off and on for 5 years, whom I will refer to here as T-Rex. Didn't really talk even tho we went to the same school untill we were about to date. It was amazing, as every relationship is at first.

We got engaged December 24, 2010. Had a silly fight new years, I took the ring off, set it on the dash of his car, forgot it, he put it in center console, car got broke into, ring stolen, he takes it as a "sign", and there is when it all started to crumble. That May we broke up.

 Two weeks later he went back to his ex, T-Rex. He told me he was coming back a couple months later when I stayed a weekend, then changed his mind and stayed with T-Rex. We did this whole back and forth crap for 7 long miserable months while he was with T-Rex. He came back crawling after I said enough. I started to really finally let my 1st true love go.

 Then BAM! there he was, like I always knew he was. Well, he's the complete stereo-type of a guy.Emotionless, can't open up, lets me down when he says he will do something, gets mad at the smallest of things, so not romantic. Well, recently I had planned on moving in. Yesterday he says we aren't ready. I have to figure out something fast now because I really have no idea what to do if I can't count on him. I need him to be there for me. He let me down and won't even have a real conversation about it with me. Last week all we did was fight, this week I haven't seen him, and now this. FML. 

Pilot

This is the beginning of something I've wanted to do for a while now. I want this to become something big for me. I'm totally anonymous here. But I will be totally open, honest, and real. This will become my space and you will come to know and love me for me without a name. I'm just that one girl. That one girl you never really notice. That one girl with the million secrets. That one girl who's quiet and shy. That one girl that parties. That one girl who's beautiful. That one girl that's depressed. That one girl that always smiles.  I'm just that one girl. And this is my blog.